3 Updates, 1 entry

Cannon Beach (May 23-28)~ We spent an amazing week at the beach. My parents are divorced, however my mom and her adorable dog joined us for the occasion. My dad had an opportunity to get to know my boyfriend better as well. We made delicious meals, walked the beach, rented banana bikes and laughed. We laughed a lot. It was such a pleasure watching the people I love laughing together. Although my dad was unable to join us on our walks, he did get on a bike for the first time in almost a year. It brought so much joy to his face and our hearts. If you would like to see some pictures from our trip, please copy and paste this link: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=33845&id=1677579257&l=cb531a6301


Decisions~ About two weeks ago, my dad went in for a CT scan to determine whether or not the Tarceva was working. This particular scan filled me with an unmeasurable amount of anxiety. We could find out if the drug was working. We could find out if the drug was working and my dad could decide to go off of it because it gave him a skin rash and fed on what little energy he has. We could find out the drug wasn't working and watch our glimmer of hope get sucked into the black hole of despair. We waited 5 long days for the results to be posted, and when they were, I felt nothing. A few of the tumors had increased in a size, one had decreased. All in all, a pretty unremarkable result. It wasn't obvious that the drug was working yet we had no idea if it was. I spoke to my dad at 7pm the day the results were posted and he too was devoid of emotion. It wasn't until the next morning that he made a decision. He was going off the Tarceva and back on Hospice.

When he was a little boy, his grandmother was sitting in the living room drinking a cup of tea. He knew her as vivacious and she looked sullen and withdrawn. "Nana", he said, "what is the matter?". She drew him close, looked into his innocent blue eyes and told him that she would die soon. He asked her how she knew, to which she replied, "I have had a cup of tea everyday for as long as I can remember and today I am unable to find the strength to bring my cup of tea to my mouth." She died less than 6 months later.

This is how my dad described his decision to go back on Hospice. I suppose he is drinking his last cup of tea.


Scared~ As I write this, my dad is tucked in at the Overlake ICU. He has a staph infection, and in his weakened condition, it could have been life threatening. Lucky for us, he is responding to the antibiotics and should be released tomorrow or the next day. Fighting this infection has taken a lot out of him. He is in pain, he is tired, it is difficult for him to muster up enough energy to have a 5 minute conversation. We don't know where this will leave him. Will he bounce back? Is this the beginning of the end? Will he need constant help at home? Will he have any fight left in him?

I've watched friends lose parents unexpectedly before their time. I watched my beloved Yaya die almost a year ago. I watch my mom grieve the loss of her very best friend everyday. I've seen and felt a lot of pain and it has given me strength. However, no matter how strong you believe yourself to be, nothing prepares you to watch a part of yourself suffer and die. I cannot imagine this hurting more after he is gone, but I know it will.